A few years ago I hit a hard stop. A wall. The decisions I had made had led me thousands of miles away from my family and friends, my heart was breaking, my marriage was falling apart, my relationship with my step son was toxic, financially we were drowning, the dream house we were building in Panama had become a nightmare and I was suicidal… I felt like I had nothing to live for and the world would be a better place without me. Everyone would be better off without me and I just wanted the pain to stop.
Every day I struggled to get out of bed, I dreaded the morning interaction I would have with the people in my life, I hated the job I was doing out of pure necessity and I was torn apart with guilt over leaving my children and grandchildren, missing them terribly, the pain in my heart felt like I was being stabbed over and over. The friends I had left behind, I had cut myself off from, to spare the pain and the embarrassment of admitting how my life had become such a disastrous failure and the new friends coming into my life were turning out to be shallow and back stabbing.
And then everything changed. I had a car accident. I was hit from behind with such force that my stopped car, was rammed into my Husband's car, which was in front of me in the queue. The pain I experienced over the next few days was horrific, I had a neck injury which meant I had to have discs replaced in my spine, and internal pain caused by bruised organs where they had been slammed into my rib cage, which was unimaginable, and whilst the Panamanian hospitals were well equipped, they seemed to not understand how to manage the pain, so for days the pain was constant and uncontrolled.
After that first week, one of my visitors was a girl I had got to know, and she calmly told me 'I should be careful what I wished for!' What!!! It was then she reminded me, that less than a week before, I had broken down with her and sobbed my heart out, telling her I just wanted everything to stop… I needed to stop… I wanted everything taken away from me, all the responsibility, all the decisions that had to be made, all the work that had to be done… I didn’t want it… Be careful what you wish for… there I was, flat on my back, unable to do anything, quite literally, everything had stopped, just as I had asked.
When you have been brought up to never quit, to fight for what you want, ‘if its worth having, its worth fighting for’ all those reasonings, I had never once stopped to consider that maybe things were a struggle because the Universe was trying to stop me from making that bad decision or taking that wrong path. So, I surrendered… I spent that time in hospital, reassessing, re-evaluating and just letting go… what will be, will be… just trusting, that there was something bigger out there… Do you know how liberating that is?
Before I left the hospital, things started to happen, I got a call from my boss at work offering me a promotion with a salaried pay rise, people I hadn’t realised, even cared ‘showed up’ for me and I allowed myself to be vulnerable and reached out to someone for physical help.
Over the next year I started caring for myself, both physically and mentally, I was still suffering from trauma. I began to swim daily, yoga, meditation, better nutrition. I began practicing gratitude, I started small, as some days I still felt like I had nothing to be grateful for, so, maybe it was just a nice cup of coffee, or a beautiful sunrise I had seen that morning. The lady who helped my body overcome the physical trauma, was teaching me that it was not only the accident that had left me broken, but past incidents and accidents had also taken a toll on me too, both emotionally and physically.
When I had the opportunity to train with this lady, I wondered how this had happened and which direction I was being pulled to travel in, It seemed like finally, after years of fighting to get on, get ahead, get what I wanted or needed, I had surrendered and was trusting that the Universe was leading me the right way. If you asked me how I knew, I didn’t, it just ‘felt’ right.
My new world of massage, opened even more doors for me and I returned to some doors that I had closed on my life, the spiritual aspect of my life, opened up again and whilst some of this change and growth was painful, (I felt like an onion having its layers removed!) I knew it was all necessary.
I started making more and more connections with ‘like minded’ people, opportunities started opening up that I had never imagined and life began to flow. Whats more, it seemed that the more I went with the flow, the better it was, the more work that opened up for me, Hypnotherapy, Reiki and Massage clients were flowing to me, money was flowing into our lives, harmony was flowing, relationships were healing, new work opportunities appeared and there was light.
When we moved to Spain, the whole process took 6 weeks, from decision to reality, it flowed, with every aspect just dropping into place, a realisation, that when things are meant to be, they are not a constant uphill battle or struggle that leaves you with a sense of uncertainty and doubt as we had experienced so many times before, but an easy flowing, where every piece of the puzzle just fell into place perfectly.
Looking back now, I know I was suffering from depression, stress and anxiety. I am only human, I still have days where I wobble… where there is sadness and I still have days when I wonder if I am on the right path, what my future holds, am I doing the right thing… but these days I trust myself and whatever greater power there is out there, that is bigger than all of us…
One of the biggest lessons I have learnt in the last few years is that you have to live in the present, there is no point worrying about the future, fate has her own plans for us and we only get to control ourselves, our minds, our thoughts, our actions, there are no wrong choices, as I believe we make the right choices for ourselves given our circumstances in that moment. So, make your choices, be the change, treat others how you wish to be treated yourself and shine your light every single day… so that those in darkness can see the way…
Live for Today… Because Tomorrow Never Comes…
Namaste
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